Lose Your Integrity, Lose Yourself

The Unleashed Monster and the Loss of Your Integrity

So your spouse or long time lover just told you he or she wants to end your relationship.  All of a sudden you turn ugly.  With a flip of a switch you become a crazed person full of hurt and despair.  The surge of emotions within you take over and hijack your mind and your Selfhood.  You change like Collie (Sam Merlotte) in True Blood – a shapeshifter ready to devour.

Losing your Self

Who are you??  What have you become?  It feels like you are crumbling, your true self shattering and you think you will never be able to pick up the piece exploding around you.

You begin to act in ways you never thought you would—out of control, secretly plotting revenge.  But you are not a vengeful person at your core.  You are not your anger, fear, and bitterness. You have standards, morals, fairness and the belief that being honest is an important value to hold.  Yet all that disintegrates right before your eyes.    

Losing hold of your Integrity 

Merriam-Webster defines Integrity  as “the quality of being honest and fair; the state of being complete or whole”.  Yet, for many of us,  that all goes out the window when a break-up occurs.  It is difficult to hold on to your integrity when feeling intense fear and anger.  You may want to some how get back at your partner, make him or her feel like you are feeling—because after all it is his/her fault you are feeling as you are.  

The problem is that losing ones values such as integrity only hurts you in the end.  The shattering  of your Self during these difficult times ultimately feels worse then your fear and anger combined.  It just may take a while for you to realize it.

The Values of Conscious Partings

The  values of Conscious Partings are likely the same ones you hold but seem to lose the second your ex  dropped the bomb on you.  To part consciously means to minimize the damage, helping you to hang on to your integrity while you move through the relationship-ending process.  The principles of Conscious Partings may not prevent the shattering of your Self, but they help you put the pieces back together into a new whole—one that is changed not in a bad way but in a new and improve Self.  

They say there are lessons in the challenges we face along our life journey.  And your break-up is one of those opportunities.  Though you may not care about that right now.  When we loss our morals and values we act in ways that are so unlike us.  And it is in those actions that we later can feel regret and even shame.  Do you really want that??

The Principles of Conscious Partings is based on the beliefs that:

1.  Individuals and couples who are in the relationship-ending process can end their relationship peacefully, from a place of respect and even love.
2. Ending a relationship does not have to be hostile, intentionally hurtful, destructive or emotionally damaging
3. There is a difference between “being in love” and “having love for”, and that it is possible to end an intimate relationship even if you still ‘have love for’ your ex- partner regardless of being the one left or the one doing the leavin
4. You can maintain and improve  emotional, mental and spiritual wellness as you move through the relationship-ending process by working to increase awareness of your  fears,  anger, beliefs, assumptions, needs and the potentially hurtful actions that can occur.
5. When there are children involved, It is important to have a ‘child-centered’ approach, making it possible to keep what is best for the children the top priority.
6. The relationship-ending process is an opportunity to learn important lessons that will enrich your life, develop personal empowerment, heal old wounds and prepare your for a healthier relationship in the future.

All of this is possible if you follow the Conscious Partings steps either as a couple together or as an individual.  And doing so will keep your INTEGRITY intact.  

Begin to practice a Conscious Parting

Follow this blog for more about Conscious Partings.  These blog posts include Lessons Learned—real stories about how others like you have moved through the relationship-ending process in a way that brought healing and growth.  These blogs contain exercises you can do that will help you part with consciousness, helping you to keep your integrity intact while you go from “we” to “me”. 

Need more guidance?

I offer Conscious Partings Coaching Programs for individuals and couples in either of my two Tampa Florida counseling offices.  And if you live outside of Tampa, Florida or in another State, you can still participate in the coaching programs through my online  video conferencing platform.  What is great about this is that you and your ex can participate together without having to be in the same room..

Get a life time discount
Refer a friend and you will receive a life-time discount of 15%  on your coaching if, in the future, you find yourself faced with the end of an intimate relationship.  

You can talk to me personally by calling 877-540-3632
Or email me at lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com

I look forward to working with you.

Plagiarism Not Intended:

Conscious Uncoupling and Conscious Partings

Alecia and Jen

I was driving to the office one day, thinking about the couple I was  about to see.  Alecia and Jen started coming for relationship

counseling for about one month. 
They claimed that they wanted to rebuild and strengthen the connection they formed five years ago.  Both shared with me their love story, the magical day when they first became aware of each other and the months that followed.  They had struggles throughout their time together, as we all have, but they did not realized how these struggles started to erode their bond.

Through their sessions with me it was clear that they had a strong love for each other, but it also became clear that Alecia had already come to the place where she was ready to let go.  She just could not say it.  I met with Alecia alone and she expressed that she did not want to continue with the sessions because she was no longer committed to keep trying. She knew this would cause great pain for Jen.  She loved Jen and was torn because the last thing she wanted to do was hurt the person she loved deeply. But she also realized staying in the relationship was not good for either of them. 

As I was driving, I began to think about how the session was going to be different.  I knew it was going to be a difficult one. Alecia planned on being honest with Jen.   This was certainly not the first time I was faced with helping one partner tell the other that it was time to part ways. It was during that drive that the words “Conscious Partings” came to mind and how a book might help couples like Alecia and Jen.

The discovery of ‘Conscious Uncoupling’

I am not one to follow entertainment news.  I had no idea that Gwyneth Paltrow spoke about “conscious uncoupling” years prior until I told a friend about Conscious Partings and she quickly said  “Oh, just like Gwyneth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling”.  I quickly went to google and I discovered that the ideas were very similar.   I also discovered Katherine Woodward Thomas’ book “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 steps to living happily even after”.  

Naturally, I was concerned.  I had already written nine chapters of the book and it is still in progress as I write this.  Had I wasted time?  Will I be accused of plagiarism?  I read the book to face my fears.  And yes, my book and Thomas’ book are much alike.  In fact, it is a great book that I recommend you read if you are in the relationship-ending process.  It is a easy read, quick and to the point.  It taps into you heart and you may feel that Thomas has read your mind and felt your pain.  

Plagiarism Not Intended

I can not deny that our books are so similar that my fear of plagiarism may be valid.  But there are some differences.  And the very biggest is my focus on the word “Conscious”.  Thomas does describe mindfulness and awareness, but briefly.  It is not the focus of her book.  There are few instances when she breezes over the ideas of how to become conscious.   The act of being ‘mindful’ and ‘conscious’ is not easy.  It takes practice and time.  It takes some commitment to the process.  A few sentences on deep breathing  and awareness of your ‘sensations’ is not going to help you get to the place of recognizing your fears and releasing with love.  

I also know that in the 20 years of counseling individuals and couples there are hundreds of self-help books that are the same or similar yet these books come from a place different enough that readers are given options that fit them the best. 

As I considered the idea that I may need to stop writing the book I asked my self the question I often ask my clients:  “Is my decision coming from a place of fear, or a place of love”.  

The answer is easy.  To stop writing would be operating out of a place of fear.  So I decided to continue to write my book and to spread the message that it is possible to release your ex from a place of love rather than a place of fear. And that becoming conscious through mindfulness is the way to do it.

Begin to practice a Conscious Parting
Follow this blog for more about Conscious Partings.  These blog posts include Lessons Learned—real stories about how others like you have moved through the relationship-ending process in a way that brought healing and growth.  These blogs contain exercises you can do that will help you part with consciousness, helping you to keep your integrity intact while you go from “we” to “me”. 

Need more guidance?
I offer Conscious Partings Coaching Programs for individuals and couples in either of my two Tampa Florida counseling offices.  And if you live outside of Tampa, Florida or in another State, you can still participate in the coaching programs through my online  video conferencing platform.  What is great about this is that you and your ex can participate together without having to be in the same room..

LIFE-TIME DISCOUNT
Refer a friend and you will receive a life-time discount of 15%  on your coaching if, in the future, you find yourself faced with the end of an intimate relationship.  

You can talk to me personally by calling 877-540-3632
Or email me at lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com

I look forward to working with you.

Dr. Lynne

Don’t Be a Loser

By Lynne A. Santiago, PhD, LMHC


We have all heard about at least one “nasty divorce”.  It could be happening to a family member or a friend.  Maybe, right now, as read this  it is happening to you.  Our Twitter and Facebook feeds are cluttered with stories about nasty Hollywood divorces.  Courtroom battles that seem to go on forever, as each ‘ex’ and their outrageously expensive lawyers try to ‘win’.  Win what, really?  A bank account, a house, monthly alimony payouts that the average person could live on for 6 months?  And, of course, we can not forget the children—who are sadly caught in the middle.

 You don’t have to be wealthy or famous. Nasty break-ups happen to anyone.  

There are no winners—only losers.  

What is lost?  The answer is simple.   A valuable piece of one’s life line, just wasted away.  Life that no amount of money can buy back.  What is gained? Months, and more likely years, in a state of tension, uncertainty, anger and FEAR.  

We have to wonder why any one would choose such a thing.  

It doesn’t have to be that way.  Conscious Partings are based on principles that can help you avoid a nasty break-up, helping you to move through the relationship-ending process more quickly, with less fear, anger and grief.  

The Principles of Conscious Partings is based on the beliefs that:

• Individuals and couples who are in the relationship-ending process can end their relationship peacefully, from a place of respect and even love.

• Ending a relationship does not have to be hostile, intentionally hurtful, destructive or emotionally damaging.

• There is a difference between “being in love” and “having love for”, and that it is possible to end an intimate relationship even if you still ‘have love for’ your ex- partner regardless of being the one left or the one doing the leaving.

• You can maintain and improve  emotional, mental and spiritual wellness as you move through the relationship-ending process by working to increase awareness of your  fears,  anger, beliefs, assumptions, needs and the potentially hurtful actions that can occur.

• When there are children involved, It is important to have a ‘child-centered’ approach, making it possible to keep what is best for the children the top priority.

• The relationship-ending process is an opportunity to learn important lessons that will enrich your life, develop personal empowerment, heal old wounds and prepare your for a healthier relationship in the future.

All of this is possible if you follow the Conscious Partings steps either as a couple together or as an individual.  And doing so will keep your INTEGRITY intact.  

Begin to practice a Conscious Parting

Follow this blog for more about Conscious Partings.  These blog posts include Lessons Learned—real stories about how others like you have moved through the relationship-ending process in a way that brought healing and growth.  These blogs contain exercises you can do that will help you part with consciousness, helping you to keep your integrity intact while you go from “we” to “me”. 

Need more guidance?

I offer Conscious Partings Coaching Programs for individuals and couples in either of my two Tampa Florida counseling offices.  And if you live outside of Tampa, Florida or in another State, you can still participate in the coaching programs through my online  video conferencing platform.  What is great about this is that you and your ex can participate together without having to be in the same room..

Get a life time discount

Refer a friend and you will receive a life-time discount of 15%  on your coaching if, in the future, you find yourself faced with the end of an intimate relationship.  

You can talk to me personally by calling 877-540-3632
Or email me at lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com

I look forward to working with you.

Dr. Lynne

Is Your Friend Ending a Relationship?  

Eight ways you are making it worse!

I just watched the two minute trailer of the new HBO series “Divorce”.  Sarah Jessica Parker (Frances) and Thomas Haden Church (Robert) play a couple who are going through a long, drawn out divorce.  It has to be pretty drawn out to make a successful series, right?  But this trailer shows us another reason why real-life divorces and breakups can be drawn out unnecessarily -- good friends get in the way.  And you may be one of them!!!

In this brief trailer for the first episode, we can see how well-meaning friends fuel the fires of anger and fear.  When Frances’ talks to her friend about wanting to end the marriage peacefully especially for the children, the friend tells her that Robert is a “monster”, which makes Frances’ children “half monster” needing to be raised by a human.  I wonder how France's must have felt after hearing that.

When Robert  talks to a friend about his troubles, the friend tells him, “As bad as the marriage was, the divorce is going to be much worse.  You are going to be cock-fucked with this Robert.  I’m worried about you”.  Ouch!!

You want to help 

If you have a friend or family member going through a break-up, you may be worried too.  You may be angry about how your friend is being treated and you may be fearful about what may happen to your friend as he or she moves through the relationship-ending process.  You may have your own bad experiences with a break-up and believe you can spare your friend some misery.  You may want your friend  ‘learn from your own mistakes”. 

You are not being a bad friend, just not being very helpful.  Your own anger and fear is fueling your friends pain, anger and fear which can serve to only lengthen the process needlessly.  Is that what your really want?

Eight signs you are not being helpful:

1.  Your friend vents to you, telling you of all the horrible things the ex is doing.  You respond by calling The ex every nasty name in the book.
2. You remind your friend of all the bad things the ex did in the past.
3. You take you friend out, get him or her drunk, then encourage him to hook up with some random person at the bar, while saying “it will help you get over him” or  “See, there are a lot better looking fish in the sea”..
4. You tell your friend all about your own nasty break-up, telling him how ‘all’ women are gold-diggers, or her how ‘all’ men are dogs. 
5. You get on FaceBookand publicly declare your alliance to your friend and make comments about what a terrible person the ex  is.  Worse-- you tag the ex so your declarations spread even farther to his friends and family. 
6. You send accusing or even threatening  private messages or texts to the ex.
7. You offer your friend the number to “the best divorce lawyer in town”, who will make the ex ‘pay’ for every thing he or she is doing. 
8. You devise a plan of attack, telling your friend what ‘must’ be done to insure the ex doesn’t have the upper hand.

Stop putting fuel on the fire

If you have done even one of these things you were not being helpful.  Think about it.  You may actually be sending a message to your friend that he had been pretty stupid for even letting the ex into his life to begin with or she was such a fool for staying in the relationship too long.

But even more damaging is rather than providing comfort and support to your friend who is going through a difficult time, you are using your own anger, worry and fear as jet fuel, keeping the fire burning, and your friend suffering,  much longer than necessary.

Be conscious of what you are doing and saying.  Become aware of your own feelings of anger, worry and fear, or even unresolved wounds from your past break-ups.  Then you can be the kind of friend your friend really needs.  You will be able to act in ways that are loving, caring and compassionate.

When all is said and done, your friend will thank you for “just being there”.  And that is enough.

Is Your Friend Ending a Relationship?  

Eight ways you are making it worse!

I just watched the two minute trailer of the new HBO series “Divorce”.  Sarah Jessica Parker (Frances) and Thomas Haden Church (Robert) play a couple who are going through a long, drawn out divorce.  It has to be pretty drawn out to make a successful series, right?  But this trailer shows us another reason why real-life divorces and breakups can be drawn out unnecessarily -- good friends get in the way.  And you may be one of them!!!

In this brief trailer for the first episode, we can see how well-meaning friends fuel the fires of anger and fear.  When Frances’ talks to her friend about wanting to end the marriage peacefully especially for the children, the friend tells her that Robert is a “monster”, which makes Frances’ children “half monster” needing to be raised by a human.  I wonder how France's must have felt after hearing that.

When Robert  talks to a friend about his troubles, the friend tells him, “As bad as the marriage was, the divorce is going to be much worse.  You are going to be cock-fucked with this Robert.  I’m worried about you”.  Ouch!!

You want to help 

If you have a friend or family member going through a break-up, you may be worried too.  You may be angry about how your friend is being treated and you may be fearful about what may happen to your friend as he or she moves through the relationship-ending process.  You may have your own bad experiences with a break-up and believe you can spare your friend some misery.  You may want your friend  ‘learn from your own mistakes”. 

You are not being a bad friend, just not being very helpful.  Your own anger and fear is fueling your friends pain, anger and fear which can serve to only lengthen the process needlessly.  Is that what your really want?

Eight signs you are not being helpful:

1.  Your friend vents to you, telling you of all the horrible things the ex is doing.  You respond by calling The ex every nasty name in the book.
2. You remind your friend of all the bad things the ex did in the past.
3. You take you friend out, get him or her drunk, then encourage him to hook up with some random person at the bar, while saying “it will help you get over him” or  “See, there are a lot better looking fish in the sea”..
4. You tell your friend all about your own nasty break-up, telling him how ‘all’ women are gold-diggers, or her how ‘all’ men are dogs. 
5. You get on FaceBookand publicly declare your alliance to your friend and make comments about what a terrible person the ex  is.  Worse-- you tag the ex so your declarations spread even farther to his friends and family. 
6. You send accusing or even threatening  private messages or texts to the ex.
7. You offer your friend the number to “the best divorce lawyer in town”, who will make the ex ‘pay’ for every thing he or she is doing. 
8. You devise a plan of attack, telling your friend what ‘must’ be done to insure the ex doesn’t have the upper hand.

Stop putting fuel on the fire

If you have done even one of these things you were not being helpful.  Think about it.  You may actually be sending a message to your friend that he had been pretty stupid for even letting the ex into his life to begin with or she was such a fool for staying in the relationship too long.

But even more damaging is rather than providing comfort and support to your friend who is going through a difficult time, you are using your own anger, worry and fear as jet fuel, keeping the fire burning, and your friend suffering,  much longer than necessary.

Be conscious of what you are doing and saying.  Become aware of your own feelings of anger, worry and fear, or even unresolved wounds from your past break-ups.  Then you can be the kind of friend your friend really needs.  You will be able to act in ways that are loving, caring and compassionate.

When all is said and done, your friend will thank you for “just being there”.  And that is enough.

Ending a Relationship? Why not do it right?

Ending a Relationship?  Why Not Do it Right?

If you are ending a relationship, whether you want to or not, you can choose to ‘end it right’.  So many of us have experienced the heartbreak of goodbyes.  It may be the hardest thing you ever have to go through.  So much loss, so much uncertainty, so much fear, so much anger.  Because it can feel so insane, we wind up acting insanely!!

Don’t deny it.  You feel you that are being ‘pushed’ into acting crazy, forced into behaving in ways that you are truly not.  I know.  I experienced it too.  

But what if it doesn’t have to be that way?  What if, among the hurt, anger and fear, you can still hold on to the true person you really are at your core. A respectful person.  A kind person.  A compassionate person.  A loving person.  Under all that hurt, bitterness, anger, fear and craziness, trust me--you are still there.

I know that you don’t want to be that person.  You genuinely don’t want to be hurtful, disrespecting, nasty, mean, or even vengeful.  But your feelings, distorted beliefs and destructive actions seem to push you there.
  

To Part Consciously                      

Conscious Partings means to part ways with an increased  awareness of who you truly are and who, definitely, you are not.  It means to become aware of what is driving your hurtful, destructive actions and make the conscious choice to act more accordingly to who you really are at your core.  It is about becoming more mindful of your feelings, more aware of your distorted beliefs, take calming breathes and quiet the mental noise so you can reclaim your true Self.

I write these blogs to help you as you move through the relationship-ending process.  To help you do it right. Whether you are the one doing the leaving or the one being left, you can do your parting from a place of love.

LOVE FOR YOUR SELF.

Lessons Learned: Danielle's "same kind of guy"

Lessons Learned:  Danielle’s ‘same kind of guy’

Lynne A. Santiago, PhD, LMHC

“Why do I keep choosing the same kind of guy?”, Danielle asked during one of her earlier sessions.  I hear that a lot.  It is possible to be in one very long term relationship—just the partners change.  This is when the same things keep happening time and again, no matter who you are in relationship with.  We may say “I’ll never date someone like that again”, or “next time around it will be different”. Yet there you are in a new relationship and you find yourself facing the same type of challenges.

When this happens, I can assure you, you have not learned some valuable lesson, so you have been ‘left back’ in the University of Life, to take the course again until you get it right.

This was the case for Danielle.  She was 42 years old, divorced for 10 years and had a life long history of at least five relationships with the ‘same kind of guy’.   Lucky for her, she learned some things in her last relationship that helped her see the pattern repeat in the current one a lot quicker.  She recognized her own familiar behaviors, thoughts and feelings bubbling up once again.  Though she was still a bit stuck on blaming her boyfriend for all the things he was doing that caused their problems, she was able to see through it all and acknowledge that she was back to trying to get her partner to change—a common theme in all her past relationships.

So Danielle got to work in her therapy.  She started to peel away the onion one layer at a time.  She learned to become conscious of when she felt anxious—a sure sign  that she was obsessing over something she had no control over.  Rather than try to ignore or self-medicate the anxiety, she choose to view the discomfort as an opportunity to learn more about her need to control. It was an opportunity to sit with the anxiety, become more aware of the story she was weaving inside her head, and consciously take a different approach.  

Danielle did some incredible things during her time in therapy.  Her willingness to become more conscious helped her understand the roots of her need to control, heal from past wounds, and finally see her true worth.  Something that will make her next relationship a healthier one. 

You can learn more about Danielle’s incredible journey by following the Conscious Partings blog.