Lose Your Integrity, Lose Yourself

The Unleashed Monster and the Loss of Your Integrity

So your spouse or long time lover just told you he or she wants to end your relationship.  All of a sudden you turn ugly.  With a flip of a switch you become a crazed person full of hurt and despair.  The surge of emotions within you take over and hijack your mind and your Selfhood.  You change like Collie (Sam Merlotte) in True Blood – a shapeshifter ready to devour.

Losing your Self

Who are you??  What have you become?  It feels like you are crumbling, your true self shattering and you think you will never be able to pick up the piece exploding around you.

You begin to act in ways you never thought you would—out of control, secretly plotting revenge.  But you are not a vengeful person at your core.  You are not your anger, fear, and bitterness. You have standards, morals, fairness and the belief that being honest is an important value to hold.  Yet all that disintegrates right before your eyes.    

Losing hold of your Integrity 

Merriam-Webster defines Integrity  as “the quality of being honest and fair; the state of being complete or whole”.  Yet, for many of us,  that all goes out the window when a break-up occurs.  It is difficult to hold on to your integrity when feeling intense fear and anger.  You may want to some how get back at your partner, make him or her feel like you are feeling—because after all it is his/her fault you are feeling as you are.  

The problem is that losing ones values such as integrity only hurts you in the end.  The shattering  of your Self during these difficult times ultimately feels worse then your fear and anger combined.  It just may take a while for you to realize it.

The Values of Conscious Partings

The  values of Conscious Partings are likely the same ones you hold but seem to lose the second your ex  dropped the bomb on you.  To part consciously means to minimize the damage, helping you to hang on to your integrity while you move through the relationship-ending process.  The principles of Conscious Partings may not prevent the shattering of your Self, but they help you put the pieces back together into a new whole—one that is changed not in a bad way but in a new and improve Self.  

They say there are lessons in the challenges we face along our life journey.  And your break-up is one of those opportunities.  Though you may not care about that right now.  When we loss our morals and values we act in ways that are so unlike us.  And it is in those actions that we later can feel regret and even shame.  Do you really want that??

The Principles of Conscious Partings is based on the beliefs that:

1.  Individuals and couples who are in the relationship-ending process can end their relationship peacefully, from a place of respect and even love.
2. Ending a relationship does not have to be hostile, intentionally hurtful, destructive or emotionally damaging
3. There is a difference between “being in love” and “having love for”, and that it is possible to end an intimate relationship even if you still ‘have love for’ your ex- partner regardless of being the one left or the one doing the leavin
4. You can maintain and improve  emotional, mental and spiritual wellness as you move through the relationship-ending process by working to increase awareness of your  fears,  anger, beliefs, assumptions, needs and the potentially hurtful actions that can occur.
5. When there are children involved, It is important to have a ‘child-centered’ approach, making it possible to keep what is best for the children the top priority.
6. The relationship-ending process is an opportunity to learn important lessons that will enrich your life, develop personal empowerment, heal old wounds and prepare your for a healthier relationship in the future.

All of this is possible if you follow the Conscious Partings steps either as a couple together or as an individual.  And doing so will keep your INTEGRITY intact.  

Begin to practice a Conscious Parting

Follow this blog for more about Conscious Partings.  These blog posts include Lessons Learned—real stories about how others like you have moved through the relationship-ending process in a way that brought healing and growth.  These blogs contain exercises you can do that will help you part with consciousness, helping you to keep your integrity intact while you go from “we” to “me”. 

Need more guidance?

I offer Conscious Partings Coaching Programs for individuals and couples in either of my two Tampa Florida counseling offices.  And if you live outside of Tampa, Florida or in another State, you can still participate in the coaching programs through my online  video conferencing platform.  What is great about this is that you and your ex can participate together without having to be in the same room..

Get a life time discount
Refer a friend and you will receive a life-time discount of 15%  on your coaching if, in the future, you find yourself faced with the end of an intimate relationship.  

You can talk to me personally by calling 877-540-3632
Or email me at lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com

I look forward to working with you.

Plagiarism Not Intended:

Conscious Uncoupling and Conscious Partings

Alecia and Jen

I was driving to the office one day, thinking about the couple I was  about to see.  Alecia and Jen started coming for relationship

counseling for about one month. 
They claimed that they wanted to rebuild and strengthen the connection they formed five years ago.  Both shared with me their love story, the magical day when they first became aware of each other and the months that followed.  They had struggles throughout their time together, as we all have, but they did not realized how these struggles started to erode their bond.

Through their sessions with me it was clear that they had a strong love for each other, but it also became clear that Alecia had already come to the place where she was ready to let go.  She just could not say it.  I met with Alecia alone and she expressed that she did not want to continue with the sessions because she was no longer committed to keep trying. She knew this would cause great pain for Jen.  She loved Jen and was torn because the last thing she wanted to do was hurt the person she loved deeply. But she also realized staying in the relationship was not good for either of them. 

As I was driving, I began to think about how the session was going to be different.  I knew it was going to be a difficult one. Alecia planned on being honest with Jen.   This was certainly not the first time I was faced with helping one partner tell the other that it was time to part ways. It was during that drive that the words “Conscious Partings” came to mind and how a book might help couples like Alecia and Jen.

The discovery of ‘Conscious Uncoupling’

I am not one to follow entertainment news.  I had no idea that Gwyneth Paltrow spoke about “conscious uncoupling” years prior until I told a friend about Conscious Partings and she quickly said  “Oh, just like Gwyneth Paltrow’s “conscious uncoupling”.  I quickly went to google and I discovered that the ideas were very similar.   I also discovered Katherine Woodward Thomas’ book “Conscious Uncoupling: 5 steps to living happily even after”.  

Naturally, I was concerned.  I had already written nine chapters of the book and it is still in progress as I write this.  Had I wasted time?  Will I be accused of plagiarism?  I read the book to face my fears.  And yes, my book and Thomas’ book are much alike.  In fact, it is a great book that I recommend you read if you are in the relationship-ending process.  It is a easy read, quick and to the point.  It taps into you heart and you may feel that Thomas has read your mind and felt your pain.  

Plagiarism Not Intended

I can not deny that our books are so similar that my fear of plagiarism may be valid.  But there are some differences.  And the very biggest is my focus on the word “Conscious”.  Thomas does describe mindfulness and awareness, but briefly.  It is not the focus of her book.  There are few instances when she breezes over the ideas of how to become conscious.   The act of being ‘mindful’ and ‘conscious’ is not easy.  It takes practice and time.  It takes some commitment to the process.  A few sentences on deep breathing  and awareness of your ‘sensations’ is not going to help you get to the place of recognizing your fears and releasing with love.  

I also know that in the 20 years of counseling individuals and couples there are hundreds of self-help books that are the same or similar yet these books come from a place different enough that readers are given options that fit them the best. 

As I considered the idea that I may need to stop writing the book I asked my self the question I often ask my clients:  “Is my decision coming from a place of fear, or a place of love”.  

The answer is easy.  To stop writing would be operating out of a place of fear.  So I decided to continue to write my book and to spread the message that it is possible to release your ex from a place of love rather than a place of fear. And that becoming conscious through mindfulness is the way to do it.

Begin to practice a Conscious Parting
Follow this blog for more about Conscious Partings.  These blog posts include Lessons Learned—real stories about how others like you have moved through the relationship-ending process in a way that brought healing and growth.  These blogs contain exercises you can do that will help you part with consciousness, helping you to keep your integrity intact while you go from “we” to “me”. 

Need more guidance?
I offer Conscious Partings Coaching Programs for individuals and couples in either of my two Tampa Florida counseling offices.  And if you live outside of Tampa, Florida or in another State, you can still participate in the coaching programs through my online  video conferencing platform.  What is great about this is that you and your ex can participate together without having to be in the same room..

LIFE-TIME DISCOUNT
Refer a friend and you will receive a life-time discount of 15%  on your coaching if, in the future, you find yourself faced with the end of an intimate relationship.  

You can talk to me personally by calling 877-540-3632
Or email me at lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com

I look forward to working with you.

Dr. Lynne