Conscious Partings

Five Steps to Be Loving Even If You Are the One Doing the Leaving

Lynne Santiago, PhD, LMHC

I had, for many years, imagined a life without my husband.  I envision the many losses I would experience, grieving them one by one as time went on.  I had envisioned what the holidays would like for our family, what responsibilities I may have to pick up,  what it might be like leaving the  home I loved and moving into a small  apartment.  I had written and rewritten multiple times what the new budget would be with half the income and what I would have to live without.  I moved from “I can’t imagine a life with out him” to actually imagining a life with out him.  And as I did this  I felt the pain, I cried—I grieved.

I was the one with the advantage.  I was the one to decide to end a marriage.  It was was not healthy for either of us.  But he  was caught off guard.  That is what often happens when one does the leaving and the other is being left.

As a relationship counselor, I sit with clients who, despite the efforts to heal the relationship, are facing its end.  And it is usually one partner who decides it is over while  the other wants to keep on trying.  I often use the analogy  of the difference between losing a loved one to a terminal illness verses losing a loved one due to a sudden unexpected event like a car accident or heart attack.   Though both are intensely painful, with the death of a loved one because of a terminal illness, we tend to have time to prepare.  We can start the grieving process well in advance.  This is often referred to as ‘anticipatory grief’.  We can start making plans, we can start taking over the loved one’s responsibilities, we can start letting go.

When the death is sudden and unexpected we are hit with intense shock and disbelief. All of a sudden we are forced to adjust to life without that person.  We are forced against our will to make decisions  quickly without having the time to process what life will look like.

As the one doing the leaving, it is important that you recognize this difference.  Despite what has happened in your relationship and whatever reasons there are that has lead you to leave, your ex was once your lover.  You have a love story that is real.  Your ex was someone you would do anything to protect and support.  Though it may be difficult, you can still be loving and supportive.

Five Steps to help you be loving and supportive to your ex  even if you are the one doing the leaving:

1.  Take responsibility.  You are probably telling yourself that your decision to end the relationship  is your ex’s fault.  This makes it easier for you.  Re-telling  yourself and your ex this makes your decision rational.  Yet, it is you who has decided to part, to leave the life you shared with your ex. You have made  decision for you both.  And in doing this, you are causing pain, fear and distress in the person you once cherished and would do anything to protect..  Your decision is creating a crisis in your ex’s life.  That is a fact.  If you acknowledge, accept and own this, the better you can understand your ex and even feel compassion.

2. Be clear about your intentions.  I have seen this time and again.  The one doing the leaving genuinely does not want to hurt their partner.  Because of this, you may be communicating  your decision to end the relationship with a little bit of hope that you are not sure or you may consider other options.  If this is true, then it is ok to express that and then make an honest effort to heal and strengthen the relationship.  But if you have come to a point when your decision is firm, you may be expressing this in a way that leaves some room for hope, making it even more difficult for your ex to face the reality and begin the relationship-ending process.

3. Be patient with you ex’s denial.    You may have started the grieving process weeks or months before you finally made it clear your intentions to leave.  But your ex may not have had that head start.  So she or he is now suddenly faced with the loss, and we know that the grief process starts with denial.  Be patient has your ex tries to talk you out of it.  If you are really sure of your decision and there is no chance of working things out,  it is likely your ex will need the time to truly get it.  Expect days  when he or she says “Ok, I understand that it is over”, and days when he or she says “Don’t do this, we can work it out, it doesn’t have to end”.  Understand that denial and reality is taking it’s turn as your ex processes the loss.  When you truly understand this you will be patient and you won’t react in ways that add more hurt in your ex.

4. Remind yourself that your ex is very afraid.  Fear is often expressed as anger.  Fear puts us in “fight-flight” mode.  And you are sure to be the target of the fight.  After all, your decision to end the relationship has lead to all the changes that will now happen in your ex’s life. Your ex is likely to get really mean and say some very hurtful things.  There may even be threats.  Expect this and understand it.  Think about a time when your ex may have had some worries or fears about something going on in his or her life.  How did you respond?  It is likely you tried to calm the fears, be supportive in some way.  Your ex is fearful, maybe even terrified right now.  You can still be loving by understanding this, by reminding yourself that under all that angry your ex is really afraid.

5. If you still love then be loving in your actions.  Remember, there is a difference between ‘being in love’ and ‘having love for’.  I know for a fact that even people who decided to end their relationship still ‘have love for’ their ex.  You may think that communicating this is giving your ex some hope that you will change your mind.  You may hear “if you love me you wouldn’t be doing this”.  That is not true.  We can still love despite the decision to end a relationship.  This may confuse even you.  But in ‘having love for’ your ex you can choose to act in loving ways.  You do this by taking responsibility, being clear with your intentions,  being patient with your ex’s denial and reminding yourself that your ex is very afraid.

It can be very difficult to know that you are causing pain for your ex.  You may be feeling a lot of guilt and to ease your guilt you may be remind yourself over and over again “it is not my fault”. And it may be very easy to do this if your ex was engaging in relationship-harming behaviors like having an affair.  But ultimately it was your decision to part ways.  You have forced your ex into a state of distress and fear.  You bear some responsibility. When you truly own this you can end your relationship from a place of love.

About Lynne:     I have been in the counseling field for over 20 years with a private practice in Tampa, FL.  Through the years I have worked with hundreds of couples, helping them to heal, rebuild and strengthen their relationships.  In our first meeting, I always ask “Tell me your love story”.  The energy shifts, there are smiles, some tears and always great stories. I know there is still love between them.  But even so,  some relationships do end and the couple begin the process of parting ways.  I encourage them to consider the possibility that if the end is certain, why not honor the love they still have, acknowledge the pain, angry and fear they both feel,  and choose to be loving in their actions.

Please visit my website for more information about my services.  Lynne@lynnesantiagolmhc.com   I offer in-office services as well as e-therapy for people who live in Florida.