Making the Shift from 'Fear' to 'LOVE'

Make  the  Shift  from  ‘Fear’  to  ‘Love'

Lynne A. Santiago, PhD, LMHC


Ending  a  relationship  is  never  easy.    Whether  you  are  the  one  being  left  or  you  are  the  one  doing  the leaving,  each  of  you  will  experience  pain,  anger,  sadness,  stress  and  fear.    The  adjustment  going  from “we”  to  “me”  can  be  as  turbulent  and  terrifying  as  being  a  float  on  a  raft  in  a  stormy  ocean.    You  may feel  left  without  an  anchor.    Because,  actually,  you  are.    During  the  time  you  and  your  lover  were together,  you  were  anchors  for  each  other  but  now  you  are  out  there  on  your  own.  

I  remember  first  making  this  analogy  to  myself,  as  I  sat  sobbing  in  my  bed  clutching  an  empty  mint chocolate  chip  ice  cream  container.    I  had  recently  moved  into  my  own  apartment  after  selling  my  home of  10  years  and  had  just  signed  the  papers  that  finalized  the  end  of  a  20  year  marriage.    I  felt  ‘lost  out  in sea’,  being  tossed  around  in  the  raging  currents.    But  the  biggest  surprise  for  me  was  that  I  was  feeling that  way  even  though  I  was  the  one  who  initiated  the  divorce  after  many  years  of  trying  to  make  it  work with  someone  who  wasn’t  willing  to  put  in  the  necessary  effort.    I  mistakenly  thought  I  had  started  the grieving  process  of  ‘letting  go’  many  months,  if  not  years,  prior  to  actually  taking  the  action.    I  thought  I had  already  ‘accepted’  the  end  of  the  marriage.

Love  vs  Fear 

Using  the  word  “love”  may  feel  like  a  stretch  for  you  at  this  moment.    Love  may  be  the  furthest  from your  mind  and  the  last  thing  you  are  feeling  in  the  wake  of  breaking  a  heart  or  having  your  heart  broken.   It  is  more  likely  that  anger  is  fueling  the  parting,  or,  more  likely,  that  anger  drove  you  to  the  decision  in the  first  place.    He  wronged  you,  she  wronged  you.    She  changed,  he  changed.    He  cheated,  she  cheated.   He  betrayed  you,  she  abandoned  you.    Whatever  the  case,  someone  is  the  villain  and  someone  is  the victim…or  both!!  

Conscious Partings 

Becoming more aware while you are moving through the relationship-ending process allows you to honor the sacred commitment to ‘honor and to love, for better or for worse’, even if the ‘worst’ is the end of the relationship. Love does not have to end. We are still capable of loving while moving through the process of ending a relationship. But it takes you being consciously aware of what is happening not only outside of yourself but within.

When a love relationship begins to end both you and your ex-lover move into a place of fear, being driven on the energy that anger and fear produces, causing you both to be reactive, self-protective and defensive. Both you and your ex, who were once kind, caring, supportive and loving people, become bitter, resentful, possibly even vindictive and hateful. You are not that person at your core yet you become that person when you approach the relationship’s end from a place of fear. Being conscious of your fear allows you to move into a place of love, allowing you to see your options more clearly, make better decisions, and remain the loving, kind person you really are.