Conscious Partings

Is Your Friend Ending a Relationship?  

Eight ways you are making it worse!

I just watched the two minute trailer of the new HBO series “Divorce”.  Sarah Jessica Parker (Frances) and Thomas Haden Church (Robert) play a couple who are going through a long, drawn out divorce.  It has to be pretty drawn out to make a successful series, right?  But this trailer shows us another reason why real-life divorces and breakups can be drawn out unnecessarily -- good friends get in the way.  And you may be one of them!!!

In this brief trailer for the first episode, we can see how well-meaning friends fuel the fires of anger and fear.  When Frances’ talks to her friend about wanting to end the marriage peacefully especially for the children, the friend tells her that Robert is a “monster”, which makes Frances’ children “half monster” needing to be raised by a human.  I wonder how France's must have felt after hearing that.

When Robert  talks to a friend about his troubles, the friend tells him, “As bad as the marriage was, the divorce is going to be much worse.  You are going to be cock-fucked with this Robert.  I’m worried about you”.  Ouch!!

You want to help 

If you have a friend or family member going through a break-up, you may be worried too.  You may be angry about how your friend is being treated and you may be fearful about what may happen to your friend as he or she moves through the relationship-ending process.  You may have your own bad experiences with a break-up and believe you can spare your friend some misery.  You may want your friend  ‘learn from your own mistakes”. 

You are not being a bad friend, just not being very helpful.  Your own anger and fear is fueling your friends pain, anger and fear which can serve to only lengthen the process needlessly.  Is that what your really want?

Eight signs you are not being helpful:

1.  Your friend vents to you, telling you of all the horrible things the ex is doing.  You respond by calling The ex every nasty name in the book.
2. You remind your friend of all the bad things the ex did in the past.
3. You take you friend out, get him or her drunk, then encourage him to hook up with some random person at the bar, while saying “it will help you get over him” or  “See, there are a lot better looking fish in the sea”..
4. You tell your friend all about your own nasty break-up, telling him how ‘all’ women are gold-diggers, or her how ‘all’ men are dogs. 
5. You get on FaceBookand publicly declare your alliance to your friend and make comments about what a terrible person the ex  is.  Worse-- you tag the ex so your declarations spread even farther to his friends and family. 
6. You send accusing or even threatening  private messages or texts to the ex.
7. You offer your friend the number to “the best divorce lawyer in town”, who will make the ex ‘pay’ for every thing he or she is doing. 
8. You devise a plan of attack, telling your friend what ‘must’ be done to insure the ex doesn’t have the upper hand.

Stop putting fuel on the fire

If you have done even one of these things you were not being helpful.  Think about it.  You may actually be sending a message to your friend that he had been pretty stupid for even letting the ex into his life to begin with or she was such a fool for staying in the relationship too long.

But even more damaging is rather than providing comfort and support to your friend who is going through a difficult time, you are using your own anger, worry and fear as jet fuel, keeping the fire burning, and your friend suffering,  much longer than necessary.

Be conscious of what you are doing and saying.  Become aware of your own feelings of anger, worry and fear, or even unresolved wounds from your past break-ups.  Then you can be the kind of friend your friend really needs.  You will be able to act in ways that are loving, caring and compassionate.

When all is said and done, your friend will thank you for “just being there”.  And that is enough.