Lessons Learned: Danielle's "same kind of guy"

Lessons Learned:  Danielle’s ‘same kind of guy’

Lynne A. Santiago, PhD, LMHC

“Why do I keep choosing the same kind of guy?”, Danielle asked during one of her earlier sessions.  I hear that a lot.  It is possible to be in one very long term relationship—just the partners change.  This is when the same things keep happening time and again, no matter who you are in relationship with.  We may say “I’ll never date someone like that again”, or “next time around it will be different”. Yet there you are in a new relationship and you find yourself facing the same type of challenges.

When this happens, I can assure you, you have not learned some valuable lesson, so you have been ‘left back’ in the University of Life, to take the course again until you get it right.

This was the case for Danielle.  She was 42 years old, divorced for 10 years and had a life long history of at least five relationships with the ‘same kind of guy’.   Lucky for her, she learned some things in her last relationship that helped her see the pattern repeat in the current one a lot quicker.  She recognized her own familiar behaviors, thoughts and feelings bubbling up once again.  Though she was still a bit stuck on blaming her boyfriend for all the things he was doing that caused their problems, she was able to see through it all and acknowledge that she was back to trying to get her partner to change—a common theme in all her past relationships.

So Danielle got to work in her therapy.  She started to peel away the onion one layer at a time.  She learned to become conscious of when she felt anxious—a sure sign  that she was obsessing over something she had no control over.  Rather than try to ignore or self-medicate the anxiety, she choose to view the discomfort as an opportunity to learn more about her need to control. It was an opportunity to sit with the anxiety, become more aware of the story she was weaving inside her head, and consciously take a different approach.  

Danielle did some incredible things during her time in therapy.  Her willingness to become more conscious helped her understand the roots of her need to control, heal from past wounds, and finally see her true worth.  Something that will make her next relationship a healthier one. 

You can learn more about Danielle’s incredible journey by following the Conscious Partings blog.